Friday, May 19, 2006
Motherhood Revamped
If I were asked to list my three top annoyances in my daily life, I could do so without even thinking…
1. Rayna’s caterwauling (whining intermixed with wailing at the tops of her lungs and gnashing of teeth)…this occurs four or five times an hour on any given day over the minutest of tragedies.
2. Doug’s incessant repetitive questioning (“Mommy work?” or some other question repeated 5000x a day and insisting upon being answered once again! It isn’t even that he necessarily wants a different answer--he will do this even for questions that he is happy about the answer of--he just likes to be able to demand my focus and that is his way of doing it...combined with the fact that he likes to talk non-stop but isn't overly motivated to LEARN how to express more things...easier just to repeat a million times a day the few things he has become really good at saying!)
3. Darcy’s barking (negativity…scowling at her siblings a million times a day, using an annoyed or demanding tone in her voice as she barks orders to her younger siblings or as she lectures them).
The last is probably my GREATEST irritation as it sounds so very much like I sound, but wish I didn’t…and also, because it intensifies Rayna’s caterwauling like gas on a fire.
About a month ago, I quit screaming at Rayna to quit her caterwauling and instead instituted a calm, matter of fact policy that has greatly diminished the occurrence of caterwauling…it is allowed, but ONLY in the privacy of her bedroom. Thus, she must go up to her bedroom at the far end of the house to voice her despair in her preferred manner. No audience takes most of the joy out of the process! (And, even if it didn’t dim the caterwauling, it wouldn’t matter because her bedroom is far enough away that it dilutes the irritant quality of her howling.)
Then, when alone with the three kids in a Wichita hotel for three days recently, Doug’s incessant questioning nearly drove me over the brink into utter insanity. Out of sheer desperation, I hit upon a response that is incredibly effective. (Barking at him just sets the tone of the day for Darcy and doesn’t help deter his behavior at all…though that didn’t stop me from trying that futile response for the last two years!) The incredibly effective and easy solution? Answer redundant questions with my own repetition of one stupid question over and over, insisting upon a response from him each time… “What is your name?” asked by me and answered by him five or six times in a row before I would pause a minute or two and then go right back to the same line of questioning again! It has been AMAZINGLY effective! In fact, after the first day of this approach, Doug began catching himself before I could! He would realize he was asking a previously answered question again and would interupt himself mid-sentence and exclaim “What my name? My name Doug,” and then blissful silence!
Ahhh…. After that all that remained (at the moment!) to be modified in our household was Darcy’s barking. It has just gotten increasingly pervasive over the last year or so. The more I barked at her to quit her barking the more irritable and globally impatient we both became. So then I tried NOT barking…trying by example to show her how to deal with the bothersome elements of our daily life using a gentle voice. Unfortunately, she had already role-modeled my bad example long enough that she wasn’t interested in changing her own ways, though she liked me changing mine well enough! Today, though, has been a revolution! Today we embarked on the challenge of her life…to see how long she can go without barking. It is a game with the potential to bank up increasingly large numbers of points (the more DAYS one goes without a single barking incidence the larger the potential daily points become…almost exponentially increasing). So, going multiple days straight without incident will garner MANY MORE points than going more days but with an incident here or there restarting the clock. If that makes sense! Makes sense to Darcy. I let her make the list of all the prizes she would like to earn points towards and then I wrote out the rules of the game and the list of prizes along with how many points must be redeemed for each prize.
Darcy has done astonishingly well…since the game began at 8:30 this morning. The whole tenor of our home has been so PLEASANT all morning as she chooses to be sweet to her siblings and display a loving, gentle attitude whether they deserve it or not! Rayna hasn’t had nearly so much to caterwaul over…in fact, she has only fallen into caterwauling twice this morning (a record for her!) and Doug skipped off to school feeling so loved and appreciated by the older sister that he idolizes. I love this game!!! And, frankly, it is worth every prize my child could possibly redeem over the months to come! (She has to rack up a very large number of points for those prizes…but she is confident that she will succeed!) ¶ 5/19/2006 09:24:00 AM
1. Rayna’s caterwauling (whining intermixed with wailing at the tops of her lungs and gnashing of teeth)…this occurs four or five times an hour on any given day over the minutest of tragedies.
2. Doug’s incessant repetitive questioning (“Mommy work?” or some other question repeated 5000x a day and insisting upon being answered once again! It isn’t even that he necessarily wants a different answer--he will do this even for questions that he is happy about the answer of--he just likes to be able to demand my focus and that is his way of doing it...combined with the fact that he likes to talk non-stop but isn't overly motivated to LEARN how to express more things...easier just to repeat a million times a day the few things he has become really good at saying!)
3. Darcy’s barking (negativity…scowling at her siblings a million times a day, using an annoyed or demanding tone in her voice as she barks orders to her younger siblings or as she lectures them).
The last is probably my GREATEST irritation as it sounds so very much like I sound, but wish I didn’t…and also, because it intensifies Rayna’s caterwauling like gas on a fire.
About a month ago, I quit screaming at Rayna to quit her caterwauling and instead instituted a calm, matter of fact policy that has greatly diminished the occurrence of caterwauling…it is allowed, but ONLY in the privacy of her bedroom. Thus, she must go up to her bedroom at the far end of the house to voice her despair in her preferred manner. No audience takes most of the joy out of the process! (And, even if it didn’t dim the caterwauling, it wouldn’t matter because her bedroom is far enough away that it dilutes the irritant quality of her howling.)
Then, when alone with the three kids in a Wichita hotel for three days recently, Doug’s incessant questioning nearly drove me over the brink into utter insanity. Out of sheer desperation, I hit upon a response that is incredibly effective. (Barking at him just sets the tone of the day for Darcy and doesn’t help deter his behavior at all…though that didn’t stop me from trying that futile response for the last two years!) The incredibly effective and easy solution? Answer redundant questions with my own repetition of one stupid question over and over, insisting upon a response from him each time… “What is your name?” asked by me and answered by him five or six times in a row before I would pause a minute or two and then go right back to the same line of questioning again! It has been AMAZINGLY effective! In fact, after the first day of this approach, Doug began catching himself before I could! He would realize he was asking a previously answered question again and would interupt himself mid-sentence and exclaim “What my name? My name Doug,” and then blissful silence!
Ahhh…. After that all that remained (at the moment!) to be modified in our household was Darcy’s barking. It has just gotten increasingly pervasive over the last year or so. The more I barked at her to quit her barking the more irritable and globally impatient we both became. So then I tried NOT barking…trying by example to show her how to deal with the bothersome elements of our daily life using a gentle voice. Unfortunately, she had already role-modeled my bad example long enough that she wasn’t interested in changing her own ways, though she liked me changing mine well enough! Today, though, has been a revolution! Today we embarked on the challenge of her life…to see how long she can go without barking. It is a game with the potential to bank up increasingly large numbers of points (the more DAYS one goes without a single barking incidence the larger the potential daily points become…almost exponentially increasing). So, going multiple days straight without incident will garner MANY MORE points than going more days but with an incident here or there restarting the clock. If that makes sense! Makes sense to Darcy. I let her make the list of all the prizes she would like to earn points towards and then I wrote out the rules of the game and the list of prizes along with how many points must be redeemed for each prize.
Darcy has done astonishingly well…since the game began at 8:30 this morning. The whole tenor of our home has been so PLEASANT all morning as she chooses to be sweet to her siblings and display a loving, gentle attitude whether they deserve it or not! Rayna hasn’t had nearly so much to caterwaul over…in fact, she has only fallen into caterwauling twice this morning (a record for her!) and Doug skipped off to school feeling so loved and appreciated by the older sister that he idolizes. I love this game!!! And, frankly, it is worth every prize my child could possibly redeem over the months to come! (She has to rack up a very large number of points for those prizes…but she is confident that she will succeed!) ¶ 5/19/2006 09:24:00 AM
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You truly amaze me, Monica. You always seem to come up with a solution for any family thing that comes along. Sounds like you will be having a very cozy home setting each day. Hang in there, Darcy-You can do it! If it works with you, I may have to see if Grandpa will make a deal with me! Ha!
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